Sadness is a central part of our lives, yet it’s typically ignored at work, hurting employees and managers alike.
CompassionLab scholar Jason Kanov says certain kinds of distress are more socially acceptable to express at work than others. It’s okay to openly grieve the death of a spouse or parent, but much riskier to share the struggles of a breakup, office politics, or financial worry, for example.
The bereavement expert Kenneth Doka calls these losses—the kind we feel we have no permission to mourn—“disenfranchised griefs.” And according to Harvard Medical School psychologist and management scholar Susan David, suppressing these types of feelings can backfire and leave workers depleted long after they leave the office.
“When emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they get stronger,” she says in a popular TED Talk. “Psychologists call this ‘amplification.’ Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator, the more you try to ignore it … the greater its hold on you.”
Creating workplaces that make space for these feelings may require rethinking ideals of leadership itself. Researchers know that the emotions bosses express affect workers’ perception of how powerful they are. Those who behave angrily during challenging situations are typically seen as more influential than those who react sadly. Yet a 2009 study by the management professors Juan Madera and D. Brent Smith found that showing sorrow rather than anger sometimes creates better outcomes for leaders, including stronger relationships with their employees and being viewed as more effective
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